Gripesgiving

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Harley asks:

Why do we have a special day for giving thanks, but not a special day for complaining?

This is actually not a bad idea. In fact, I think I’d recommend abolishing Thanksgiving and doing the complaining thing instead. There are a couple of reasons for this.

First, as an occasion of extended family get-togethers, holidays like Thanksgiving tend to bring together people who don’t choose to get together at other times. These are, often, people they can barely tolerate but happen to be related to. Surely it’s unrealistic to expect them to be grateful on such an occasion. It’s likely they will argue and complain anyway; why not just make that the point of the gathering?

Second, I’ve noticed that when you give people an occasion to do something, they think it removes from them the obligation to do it at other times. You honor veterans on Veteran’s Day, then you don’t have to think about them the rest of the time. You’re thankful on Thanksgiving, so you forget that it’s a good idea to reflect on how good you’ve got it for all the rest of the year. You give people presents on their birthdays and Christmas, so when you discover something that would be a nice gift for Tyler, do you get it and give it to him right away? No, you wait until an appropriate day — if you remember what it was by then! If you had given Tyler his present right away, you might’ve seen two other things he would like in the meantime.

Moreover, complainers are annoying. When people whine, I’d like to be able to remind them that it’s the wrong day for that. We should choose a day that’s likely to have nice weather, because a sunny day makes complaints easier to endure. Let’s say the 3rd Sunday in May; I dislike holidays that delay my Netflix, so we should choose one that wouldn’t have mail delivery anyway. The whole family could get together, eat themselves silly (both because that’s what people do when they gather, and because if they’re drowsy they might fight with less energy). Then we sit everyone in a circle and let them unburden themselves of anything they’ve been wanting to complain about. Friends can call each other up to bitch. Those so inclined, can drink enough to forget what people said to them. And we’re good for another year.

Fate of the Apostrophe

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“Somewhere in Kansas” asks:

What’s the deal with apostrophe’s?

The apostrophe has become a point of contention between those who believe that punctuation marks should have some meaning and dammit I’m going to make you use them correctly, and those who feel that we should acknowledge reality.

It looks like the latter camp is slowly winning out. My contact in the MLA “leaked” me this excerpt from the upcoming new edition of their Style Manual:

The apostrophe (‘) is a decorative mark, generally appearing somewhere near the end of words that end with “s”. It should not be assumed to have any meaning when used in this context. This mark is also used in contractions (e.g. “can’t spel”), where it stands in for letters the writer was too lazy to type. It is occasionally omitted in this context also, without affecting meaning. Apostrophe is also often used in names in science fiction, fantasy and horror stories, where it can also be simply ignored. Pronounce the name as best you can; nobody is listening and if they were, they wouldn’t care.

In fact, just use it anywhere you like. Civilization is ending anyway. Why limit yourself? Just stick any old symbol in the middle of a word. Stars, semicolons, slashes, carets — all perfectly legitimate as long as you don’t care about correctness! Why not just pee on the floor? Why not get yourself a gun? Kill me now!

See also: single quote.

My source tells me the author of this entry has left the MLA and is residing someplace restful. The association is considering whether to change anything in the second paragraph.

Humanist Solstice Songs

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Dear Tyler (writes Kendra Monkton of Vinings, GA),

I’ve been asked to perform music for a Humanist Solstice celebration. Do you know of any suitable songs?

a red-nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the Endangered Arctic Reindeer

Anything that just talks about the weather any sleigh-bells and such is acceptable, of course, but people get tired of hearing the same few standards. Here are some lesser-known songs that a Humanist audience might enjoy:

  • Think Critically, Merry Gentlemen
  • iPad, Joy Of Man’s Desiring
  • Here Comes Fantasy Claus
  • Have Yourself a Skeptical Little Solstice
  • All I Want for Christmas is Science-Based Policies
  • Melty Wonderland (a climate change song)

If you look around online I’m sure you can find the sheet music.

Perhaps my readers will have other suggestions.

Why are some things not visible…

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Ralphie, of Topeka KS, asks,

Why are some objects not visible to your naked eyes?

There are many possible reasons.

  • The object is too small – for instance, a virus, or Snooki’s brain.
  • The object is too far away given its size – for instance, the planet Neptune (if you’re on Earth), or Jimmy Carter waving to you from a 747 as it flies over your house.
  • The object is completely transparent – for instance, a bunch of air, or the motivations of someone who wants schools to teach “Intelligent Design”.
  • The object has the same color and refractive index as the medium surrounding it — for instance, a pyrex rod in becel oil.
  • The object is too dim – for instance, a black hole, or Rush Limbaugh.
  • Your view is blocked – for instance, your pelvic bone (at least I hope your view is blocked).
  • The object does not exist – for instance, Superman or delicious zero-calorie ice cream.
  • The object does not exist at the moment, like George Washington, or yourself doing the macarena (unless you have both the bad taste and the agility to be doing the macarena at the same time you’re reading this).
  • You are looking in the wrong direction – for instance, the back of your head.
  • The object is conceptual – for instance, the hole in a donut (in case you feel like arguing that you can see the hole: what you’re really seeing is the edges of the donut. Or you’re looking through the hole, in which case you’re still not seeing the hole itself; if you can see clear through something you’re not seeing it).
  • The room is dark.
  • You are blind (or need glasses).
  • You are paying attention to something else – for instance, you’re watching the right hand of the magician while with her left hand she hides the object she supposedly made vanish.

That’s all I can think of at the moment, but perhaps my readers can suggest more.

Star of Vengeance – listen free

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In a previous life, under another name, I scripted a series of radio programs. Star of Vengeance, ten episodes of about ten minutes each (including “ads”) is now available for free download. (It’s a long page, but search the page for “vengeance” and you’ll find it). It starts in a Canadian jungle (and please note this was recorded in 1991 – how’s that for prophetic?).

Interestingly, the voice talent in this series includes author Kara Dalkey as the pilot, and Prominent Local Character Dave E Romm as the villain, H. Neville Bellecote, sounding remarkably like Wallace Shaun.

A shot against bad joke telling

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Deb Pepe asks:

Is there a shot for bad joke telling?

Deb, I assume you mean a shot to prevent this scourge.

Chloral hydrate will shut them up (or, if you take it, will prevent you from hearing others tell the bad jokes). Unfortunately, I don’t know of any shots that will improve the jokes. Some people seem to think that tequila shots will help, but it actually only makes the jokes seem funnier to the person consuming the tequila, doing nothing for any other sufferers in the vicinity.

If you hear of something better, please let me know.

Walnuts As Housing

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Sit in this chair and act like a nut.

Following up to my previous post, which discusses what kinds of fruit might be suitable for people to live in, I will now address Rebecca’s comment about the possibility of using giant walnut shells, which have interior divisions already, and so might not need more walls built.

It’s true that walnut shell is a good sturdy material, and if you can get it to grow big enough, it should work nicely as a home exterior and (as noted) interior. It might be a challenge to get it that big, though. Walnuts grow on trees, and so either the branch has to be big enough support its weight, or you have to build and adjust a scaffolding under it while it grows. My preferred alternative, pumpkins, are much larger to start with — I’ve seen ones big enough to make a doghouse, at least — and grow sitting on the ground. Plus, it’s more fun to say “pumpkin.” Say it several times. Don’t you just have to smile?

As I mentioned before, one of the challenges for your environment-friendly gourd house is finding compatible furniture. Maybe we can’t get a walnut to grow big enough to live in (within the limits of known Science), but I bet we could get it big enough to sit in.

Fruitatious Abode

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The all-organic home of the future

Nicholas Kim, age 13, asks:

Is living inside of pineapples true? Spongebob, a typical childrens show. Well, why cant humans do the same! Its much simpler than building a house, you only need to find a way to make huge pineapples, but in the end it would save the world a lot of resources and money.

Mr. Kim, it is an interesting idea you propose. It also reminds me of the story “James and the Giant Peach,” where James and his buggy pals live in (as the title suggests) an oversized peach. There are two main problems I see with this plan.

The first is that fruits, however large, tend to be sugary and sticky. Not only would it attract sweet-eating insects, as the giant peach did, but it would be an unpleasant texture for daily living. When I get up to make myself a cup of coffee, the floor in my house doesn’t squelch, and I don’t have to put on galoshes to keep my feet from being covered in sticky juice. This is an advantage that traditional houses have over fruit, and I like it that way.

The other problem is that fruits tend to spoil more quickly than we would like. When you go to the trouble to make a house, you want it to last for a while — a month at least. If your house collapses into putrid slime, and you have to continually be making new ones, well that’s just too much work. I’m willing to vacuum weekly, but moving all my stuff — my sticky stuff — to a new pineapple once a week, sounds like a lot more work than I’m willing to do.

However, I don’t believe in throwing out ideas just because there are obvious objections. I regard these instead as challenges to be overcome. Why not have a fruit-based house? It would be cool. We just have to find a way to make it durable and non-sticky.

Gourds already grow fairly large and have a structure that supports their weight, so it may be easier to create giant gourds than other fruit. Indeed, history (well, Mother Goose — similar to history) suggests that pumpkins have been used for housing. Hollowed out and dried, many species of gourd harden into a durable shell that could be further preserved with eco-friendly varnishes — plus, the tasty interior could be used to make pies, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. Pie is not the answer to every problem, but it will do until the real answer comes along.

The other consideration is that gourds and other plant growths tend to have curvy sides, while most furniture, is built with the assumption that your walls are straight. However, once the pumpkin-house movement gets into gear, I’m sure furniture manufacturers will accommodate it. They might even find a way to grow curvy furniture rather than build it — if they don’t, Science will.

An announcement of publication

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A story by me, Tyler Tork, appears in the recent anthology Sky-Tinted Waters, available from SamsDot. It’s the entertaining tale of a young stage magician and the danger of not reading to the end of the instructions before you start following them.

The other stories in the book are not by Tyler Tork, but they are also well written and I’m enjoying reading them.

No e-book version is planned, so I suggest you hurry to get your paper copy while they are available!

The versatility of W

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Gordon B asks (unintentionally):

Why don’t the Welsh use any vowels?

“W” is a vowel to the Welsh. In historical times, there wasn’t much to do in Wales during the winter (now they have the internet), and, you know, w is a fun letter to draw, and it’s got a nice round sound to it (in Welsh), so during those dark winter days they would sit around the rough-hewn table coming up with new w-words. “Cwm,” Grandfather would mutter. “That’s yonder valley. Don’t care to call ‘em valleys no more. That’s a sissy word. Cwm, now, that’s got heft.”

“Aye,” says his daughter-in-law, Mwg. “And that little round boat of Dwg’s, figger we need a special word for that. Guess we can call it a cwrwgl. That’s two w’s, very nice.”

Dwg looks up from repairing a hole in his fishing net. “…wgl?” he says, doubtfully.

“Don’t argue with me,” she warns, “or you can sleep out in the barn with the cwws.”

“Cwrwgl,” Dwg says. “I like it.”